Just Say NO
Boundaries as Radical Self-Love
I recently had to confront a (white, male) therapist on some serious BS.1
I am a classic people-pleasing middle-child. I am not assertive. I do not like confrontation. I was brought up in a household and religion where women and girls are quiet, obedient, acquiescent. Where women bear the burden of men’s emotional immaturity and abuse without question…
I do not confront.
But I put on my big kids pants, and I did it anyway — “That didn’t make me feel safe in your care. Please stay within your scope of practice. If we need to venture outside of that, please do your research. Please don’t share unchecked sources.”
Whew.
Was it loving? Was it kind?
Well, what is the reverse? If I were to let this therapist go on behaving this way, have I done him a kindness? Have I inspired him to grow as a therapist? As a person?
If I were to let him go on harming me, and thus potentially harming other clients, have I extended a kindness to myself? To the potential stranger who also sees this therapist?
And I were to continue holding discomfort, doubt, or resentment toward this man rather than clearing the air, would I be able to be fully present and engaged in therapy and get what I need?
And of course, part of the fear is the reaction. How will the other party receive the boundary (the line, assertion, ask, need, etc)? Is it going to make me uncomfortable?
And you know what? He took it really well. There was no anger, just acceptance, apology, and a commitment to doing better.
“The most radical thing any of us can do is to be honest about who we are and what we need.” bell hooks
When I am honest about who I am or what I need, it allows me to free myself of the constant background burden of managing others emotions, expectations, and reactions. Which is predictably — exhausting!
So this week I invite you to love yourself and love others more by standing firm in your convictions, asking for what you need, and taking space, time, and rest for yourself.
This weeks meditation is about… boundaries! Find it in the feed.
I figure someone is going to want to know… He mansplained women’s hormones, over-simplified post-partum libido changes, and then read “a quick AI search” (his words) to back himself up. Holy freaking toledo, did he miss the American Psychological Association’s code of conduct?!